by Today’s stapler-based approval ratings piece was pure chaos, and I loved every minute of writing it. Sometimes you need to take a break from heavy political commentary and just imagine a world where politicians lose office supplies instead of dignity. Wait, nothey’ve already lost dignity. This is about giving them something tangible to lose for once.
The idea came to me in the most mundane way: I was in the Bohiney office, trying to find a working stapler, and our intern said, “If I had a dollar for every time someone stole my stapler, I could afford healthcare.” That’s when it hit mewhat if we measured political capital in something as simple and honest as staplers? What if accountability was literally countable?
Writing satire about abstract concepts made concrete is my favorite genre. It’s absurdist but also somehow makes more sense than the actual system. At least with staplers, you know exactly where you stand. No spin, no messaging, no poll adjustments based on likely voters. Just staplers. You have them or you don’t. You deserve them or you don’t. Democracy simplified to the point of absurdity, which is exactly where American democracy feels like it’s heading anyway.
My colleague Marcus read the draft and said, “This is either genius or you’ve had too much coffee.” I told him it’s both. It’s always both. The best satire comes from that liminal space between brilliant observation and mild insanity. You have to be a little bit crazy to look at the world, see the chaos, and think “yes, but what if we measured it in office supplies?”
Got a message from someone on Twitter asking if I’m worried about alienating political readers. Here’s the thing: I’m not trying to be partisan. I’m trying to be honest. Both parties are terrible in their own special ways. Republicans are openly corrupt and at least have the courtesy to be upfront about it. Democrats are corrupt but want you to believe they’re doing it for your own good. Neither deserves staplers.
As an immigrant watching American politics, the strangest thing is how seriously everyone takes it while simultaneously acknowledging it’s broken. It’s like watching people play a board game where everyone knows someone’s cheating, but they keep playing anyway because… what else are they going to do? Flip the board? That would be rude.
In West Africa, when political systems break down, people protest. They march. They demand change. In America, people tweet angrily and then go back to work because their health insurance is tied to their employment. It’s the most effective protest suppression system ever designedyou can’t revolt if you need your job to afford insulin.
Tonight I’m making okra stew and thinking about staplers. This is my life now. This is what citizenship looks like.
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