by When American Education Gets the Cliffs Notes Treatment
The Department of Education has announced a revolutionary new curriculum called “History Lite,” which promises to make American history 50% less depressing by simply removing all the uncomfortable parts. The initiative aims to teach students about America’s past while carefully avoiding anything that might make anyone feel bad, think critically, or understand how we got to this spectacular mess.
“We believe students deserve a history education that’s as sanitized as a hospital operating room and twice as bloodless,” explained Secretary of Educational Revisionism Barbara Whitewash during the program’s unveiling. “Why burden children with complicated truths when we can give them simple, marketable narratives that fit on a bumper sticker?”
Under the new curriculum, the Civil War will be rebranded as “The Big Disagreement About State Rights to Unspecified Things,” while slavery will be referred to as “that awkward employment situation we don’t need to discuss in detail.” The Trail of Tears has been renamed “The Native American Scenic Relocation Program,” and Japanese internment camps are now “Extended Cultural Exchange Facilities.”
The textbook’s chapter on Christopher Columbus has been particularly innovative, describing him as a “directionally challenged entrepreneur with a passion for meeting new people,” conveniently omitting his passion for genocide and gold theft. According to National Archives documentation, this represents approximately 98% less accuracy than previous educational standards, which administrators hail as “perfect progress.”
The program’s creators have also simplified complex historical figures into digestible caricatures. George Washington is now “the guy with wooden teeth who never lied,” Thomas Jefferson is “that freedom guy who wrote stuff,” and Andrew Jackson is “a president who liked hiking.” The fact that one of these men enslaved over 600 people, another fathered children with an enslaved woman, and the third orchestrated ethnic cleansing will not appear on any standardized tests.
World War II has been streamlined into “that time we definitely won and nothing bad happened to anyone who didn’t deserve it.” The Holocaust will be covered in exactly one sentence: “Some unfortunate events occurred in Europe.” The atomic bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki is now described as “the ultimate fireworks show that definitely didn’t raise any moral questions whatsoever.”
According to educational policy experts, History Lite will save school districts millions in textbook costs, mainly because the new books are only 47 pages long and consist primarily of flag imagery and phrases like “America: Pretty Great Since Always!”
Teachers have expressed concerns about the curriculum’s accuracy, but were quickly reassured that accuracy is “less important than maintaining positive vibes.” One history teacher who requested anonymity said, “I have a PhD in American History. Now I’m supposed to teach students that the Vietnam War was ‘a tropical adventure that ended exactly when we wanted it to.’ I didn’t spend seven years in graduate school for this.”
The program has received enthusiastic support from parents who prefer their children remain ignorant of historical context. “Why should my kid learn about redlining, Jim Crow, or systemic inequality?” asked one concerned parent. “That might make them question the meritocracy myth, and then who knows what could happen? They might start thinking critically!”
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/history-lite/
SOURCE: History Lite (Aisha Muharrar)
