by West African baffled by $200/hour to talk when grandmothers exist
The Great American Loneliness Industry
BOSTON, MA – Ngozi Okafor couldn’t believe what her American coworker had just said: “I told my therapist about my work stress, and she really helped me process it.” The 31-year-old nurse from Nigeria had one question: “You paid someone to listen to you complain about your job?” Her coworker nodded proudly. “She’s amazing. $200 per session.” Okafor did quick math: that’s more than her mother’s monthly salary in Lagos. “Back home, we call that ‘talking to your family,'” she explained. “It’s free. Also, they bring you food while you complain. Your therapist brings food?” The coworker looked confused. Okafor realized Americans had monetized human connection and called it mental health care.
In Nigeria, when Okafor had problems, she talked to her grandmother, her aunties, her cousins, her neighborsan entire support system built into her existence. In Boston, her coworkers pay strangers $150-300 per hour to listen to them talk about their feelings. “You have no one to talk to for free?” she asked genuinely. “I have people,” her coworker defended. “But therapists are trained professionals.” Okafor’s grandmother has 60 years of experience and charges $0. She’s beginning to understand why Americans are so anxious.
When Human Connection Becomes a Billable Hour
According to the American Psychological Association, Americans spend over $200 billion annually on mental health servicesa number that made Okafor sit down and question reality. “Two hundred billion,” she repeated. “To talk about your feelings. You people need to talk about your feelings so badly you’ve created a massive industry around it. Maybeand hear me outmaybe you need to talk about your feelings so badly because you’ve eliminated the free ways to do it.” Her coworker explained therapy is “more than just talking.” Okafor’s grandmother would disagree while offering tea and perspective.
Jerry Seinfeld said, “What’s the deal with therapy? You’re paying someone to be your friend for an hour.” Okafor agrees, except she thinks paying someone to be your friend is the saddest sentence she’s encountered in America. “You’ve made listening a profession,” she observed. “Because nobody listens anymore for free. You’re all too busy paying strangers to listen to your problems instead of talking to each other. This is what happens when you prioritize independence over community. You get very independent, very lonely people paying for connection.”
The Appointment Needed to Express Emotions
Okafor’s friend Sarah sees her therapist every Tuesday at 4pm. She schedules her emotional processing like a dentist appointment. “What if you’re sad on Wednesday?” Okafor asked. “Do you just… wait until Tuesday to be sad professionally?” Sarah explained she “journals” between sessions. “So you write your feelings in a book instead of telling a human?” Okafor clarified. “Back home, we call that ‘bottling it up.’ You people invented expensive bottling with professional uncorking once a week.”
Dave Chappelle said, “Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.” Americans pay $200 to cry in offices when they could cry for free at home with people who actually love them. But that requires having people at home who aren’t roommates with separate lives and separate problems and separate therapists processing their separate loneliness.
Sarah defended therapy: “My therapist doesn’t judge me.” Okafor’s response: “Your family shouldn’t judge you either. If they do, you fix the family relationshipnot pay someone who’s contractually obligated to not judge you because you’re literally paying them. That’s not authentic acceptance. That’s purchased tolerance. There’s a difference.”
When Mental Health Becomes a Luxury Good
Okafor discovered that therapy is increasingly a status symbol. People mention their therapists casually like discussing gym memberships or streaming servicesevidence they’re taking care of themselves, investing in growth, prioritizing mental health. “In my country, if you tell someone you see a therapist weekly, they assume something is very wrong,” Okafor explained. “Here, if you don’t see a therapist, people assume you’re in denial about something being wrong. You’ve normalized that everyone has problems requiring professional help. Maybe the problem is the system that isolates people until they need professionals to feel heard.”
Chris Rock said, “You know you’re getting old when you’re at the party and you’re having more fun judging people than talking to them.” Americans are having more fun paying therapists than actually fixing their relationships with family and friends. Okafor’s theory: “It’s easier to pay someone to listen than to do the hard work of maintaining real relationships. Therapists don’t get mad at you. They don’t have expectations. They’re there when you pay them and gone when you don’t. Real relationships require reciprocity, patience, forgiveness. Therapy requires a credit card.”
The Grandmother Who Gives Better Advice Than Your PhD
When Okafor called home upset about work stress, her grandmother talked to her for 90 minutes, gave advice accumulated from 60 years of life experience, reminded her of her strength, prayed for her, and told her to eat properly. Cost: $0. When Sarah had work stress, she paid her therapist $200 for 50 minutes, discussed “coping strategies,” and left with homework about “setting boundaries.” “My grandmother’s advice was better,” Okafor told Sarah. “And free.” Sarah insisted therapy is different because therapists are “trained.” Okafor’s grandmother raised 11 children through poverty, war, and migration. “If that’s not training,” Okafor said, “I don’t know what is.”
Bill Burr said, “I’m not going to apologize for being right.” Okafor’s not apologizing for thinking Americans have overcomplicated getting emotional support. “You need appointments to be vulnerable. You need professionals to process feelings. You need payment plans to discuss your childhood. Meanwhile, my aunt will listen to me complain for three hours while cooking me dinner and won’t charge me anything except maybe helping her fold laundry. Which system sounds healthier?”
The breaking point came when Sarah mentioned she’d been seeing her therapist for five years. “Five years,” Okafor repeated. “You’ve been talking about your problems for five years at $200 per week. That’s over $50,000. For talking. If your problems aren’t solved after five years and $50,000, maybe the problem is the therapy model that benefits from you never actually getting better.” Sarah looked offended. Okafor didn’t apologize. Some truths cost more than therapy.
When Self-Care Becomes Selfish Care
Okafor noticed Americans use “self-care” to justify isolation. “I can’t come to your partyI need self-care time” actually means “I don’t want to be around people.” Therapy becomes part of thisan excuse to focus on yourself while calling it health. “In my culture, we care for ourselves by caring for each other,” Okafor explained. “Community is self-care. You people think self-care means being alone, processing individually, healing separately. Then you wonder why you’re lonely.”
Amy Schumer said, “I’m not saying I’m lazy, I’m saying I’m energy efficient.” Americans aren’t energy efficientthey’re relationship-avoidant. It’s easier to pay a therapist to listen than to invest in friendships that require reciprocity. It’s easier to discuss problems with someone who disappears after 50 minutes than family who’ll bring up your issues at Thanksgiving. Therapy offers connection without commitment. That’s not healingthat’s convenience.
The Crisis Text Line That Replaced Calling Your Mom
Okafor learned Americans have crisis hotlines for emotional emergenciesstrangers you call when you’re in distress. “Why not call your family?” she asked. Her coworker explained her family “wouldn’t understand.” Okafor’s question: “Have you tried? Or have you decided they won’t understand, so you talk to strangers instead?” The coworker admitted she hasn’t spoken to her mother in six months despite both having phones. “You’re paying professionals for support while ignoring free support from people who’ve known you your whole life. This is the most American thing I’ve ever heard.”
Kevin Hart said, “Everybody wants to be famous, but nobody wants to do the work.” Everybody wants support, but nobody wants to maintain the relationships that provide it. Americans want the benefits of communitysupport, understanding, connectionwithout the work of community. So they pay for it. Fifty minutes at a time. Scheduled three weeks out. With people contractually obligated to care.
When Okafor suggested to Sarah that maybe she should talk to her sister about her problems instead of just her therapist, Sarah said, “My sister doesn’t get it like my therapist does.” Okafor’s response: “Because you’ve spent 5 years and $50,000 teaching your therapist to get it while spending zero time helping your sister understand you. You’ve invested more in a paid professional relationship than your actual family relationship. Then you complain your family isn’t supportive. They would be if you let them.”
When Paying for Listening Replaces Actually Being Heard
Last month, Okafor attended a dinner where everyone discussed their therapists like discussing favorite restaurants. “Mine specializes in trauma.” “Mine does CBT.” “Mine is amazing for anxiety.” Nobody mentioned talking to each other about their problems. Because they don’t. They save it for appointments. “You’re all lonely together,” Okafor observed. “All dealing with similar problemsanxiety, stress, family issuesbut instead of supporting each other, you each pay separate strangers to support you separately. Have you considered just… talking to each other?”
Trevor Noah said, “In Africa, we take care of each other.” Okafor agrees: “Here, you outsource care to professionals. Your problems are real. Your feelings are valid. But you’ve created a system where processing them requires payment, appointments, and professionals because you’ve eliminated the free, natural ways humans have supported each other for millenniafamily, community, friendship. You’re not more evolved for having therapists. You’re more isolated. And you’re paying hundreds of billions annually for the privilege of being listened to by people who disappear when you stop paying.”
When asked if she’ll ever get therapy, Okafor laughed while texting with her grandmother who’d just sent a voice note offering unsolicited but appreciated life advice. “Why would I?” she asked. “I have family. I have community. I have people who know me, love me, and listen to me for free because we’re actually connectednot professionally but personally. When I’m struggling, I call home. Someone answers. We talk until I feel better. No appointment needed. No bill received. No 50-minute limit. Just actual human connection doing what it’s always donehelping us survive being human.”
She paused, then added: “Americans have mistaken therapy for connection when it’s actually evidence of disconnection. You wouldn’t need to pay strangers to listen if you hadn’t eliminated the free relationships where people listen because they love you. But you chose independence over interdependence, individuality over community, and now you’re surprised that being completely autonomous is completely lonely. So you pay for simulated connection and call it mental health care. Meanwhile, back home, we just call it family. And it costs nothing except being present, reciprocal, and willing to hear others when they need what you needed yesterday. You can’t buy that. But you can build it. Americans just forgot how.”
SOURCE: Bohiney Magazine (Aisha Muharrar)
DATE: 11/13/2025
