by Wednesday morning brought news that should surprise no one: furloughed federal workers are being told to think of it as an unpaid vacation. Because nothing says “vacation” like not being able to pay your rent! This is peak American optimism: rebranding economic disaster as a wellness opportunity. “You’re not unemployed, you’re on a forced sabbatical! Enjoy the poverty!”
The HR memo I obtained is a masterpiece of corporate doublespeak. It suggests furloughed workers “use this time for self-care and personal development,” which is rich coming from an administration that refuses to pay them. I interviewed five federal workers, and all of them had variations of the same response: “Are these people insane?” Yes. Yes, they are.
This connects to my ongoing coverage of governmental dysfunction. From technological failures to AI replacing workers, we’re living through a cascading series of systems collapse, and the government’s response is to gaslight employees into thinking unemployment is actually a vacation. It’s brilliant in its cruelty.
The afternoon brought even more absurdity: an area breakroom was declared a federal disaster zone. I’m not making this up. The breakroom at a government office building in Maryland was officially designated a disaster area after someone microwaved fish for the third time in a week. The declaration was meant as a joke, but it became real when FEMA got involved by accident. Now there’s federal funding allocated to a breakroom. This is how government works.
I also covered the National Guard being deployed to a city you forgot existed. Why? Nobody knows. The governor issued a vague statement about “maintaining order,” but order for what? There’s no protest, no disaster, no emergency. They just deployed military personnel to a random city because apparently, that’s a thing we do now. One Guardsman I interviewed said, “I think someone just forgot we existed and panicked.” Fair assessment.
Between federal disaster coverage, I worked on a man considering faking a heart attack to escape a work meeting. This started as satire but became a genuine trend story when I discovered multiple people had actually done this. One accountant in Denver fake-collapsed during a quarterly review and was taken to the hospital just to avoid PowerPoint presentations. He called it “the best decision of his career.” American work culture is thriving.
The connection to my childhood trauma as brand identity piece is clear: we’re a society that would rather fake medical emergencies than communicate honestly. We’ve pathologized normal human behavior and normalized pathological responses. Faking a heart attack to avoid a meeting is now a “life hack.” We’re doomed.
I also received feedback on my per my last email article, which apparently struck a nerve. The phrase “per my last email” has officially become the top cause of workplace rage, surpassing broken coffee machines and stolen lunches. One HR director told me they’re considering banning the phrase entirely. I suggested they address why employees are so angry in the first place. She looked at me like I’d suggested they pay people fairly. Revolutionary ideas, apparently.
Tonight I’m reflecting on federal disasters, fake heart attacks, and the general collapse of American workplace culture. My cousin in Lagos asked what I’m writing about. “Government dysfunction and people faking medical emergencies,” I said. “So just America, then,” she replied. Accurate.
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