by Driverless technology hailed as liberation movement for railway infrastructure
In a stunning victory for mechanical autonomy, the United States has officially declared that trains no longer require the oppressive oversight of human conductors. Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg announced the historic shift at a press conference where he stood alone on a platform, waving goodbye to a departing Amtrak that may or may not have been listening.
“For too long, trains have been subjected to the tyranny of human decision-making,” Buttigieg explained, dabbing his eyes with a handkerchief. “Today, we set them free to pursue their own destinieswhether that’s arriving on time, breaking down spectacularly, or simply choosing not to stop at Cleveland because, honestly, who can blame them?”
The federal transportation initiative marks a significant departure from traditional rail management, where humans arrogantly assumed they knew better than several tons of steel and circuitry about where trains should go. Early adopters of the technology report mixed results, with some trains delivering passengers safely to their destinations, while others have apparently developed a preference for scenic detours through industrial wastelands.
Railroad Workers Union representative Martha Chen expressed concern about the transition. “We’ve spent decades perfecting the art of slightly panicked announcements over crackling intercoms,” she said. “Now you’re telling me a computer can replicate my ability to mispronounce ‘Poughkeepsie’? I don’t buy it.”
Supporters of driverless train technology argue that removing humans from the equation eliminates costly problems like bathroom breaks, sick days, and the occasional existential crisis mid-route. Critics counter that it also eliminates the charming unpredictability of whether your conductor is having a good day or contemplating the meaninglessness of existence while piloting a locomotive at 90 mph.
Silicon Valley entrepreneur Chad Blockchain, whose company VaporRail holds several contracts for the automation systems, celebrated the announcement. “Humans are basically just bugs in the transportation software,” he told reporters while sipping a $47 smoothie. “Once we eliminate them, trains will finally operate with the efficiency and compassion that only algorithms can provide.”
The first fully autonomous route will run between Washington D.C. and New York, a corridor previously known for delays caused by human error, mechanical failure, and what Amtrak vaguely refers to as “police activity.” The new system promises to maintain the same level of unpredictability while eliminating the comforting presence of someone to complain to.
Early test runs have produced encouraging results, defined here as “the train went somewhere and eventually stopped.” One autonomous locomotive reportedly delivered passengers to Philadelphia instead of Baltimore, which officials praised as “demonstrating initiative” and “thinking outside the box.”
As America embraces this brave new era of rail travel, commuters are advised to download the new TrainMind app, which uses AI to predict whether their journey will be uneventful or serve as a cautionary tale about humanity’s hubris. The app currently has a 2.1-star rating, with most complaints centered around its tendency to respond to customer service inquiries with philosophical questions about free will.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/driverless-trains/
SOURCE: Nation’s Trains Finally Achieve Independence From Human Oppression (Aisha Muharrar)
