by Disgraced prince’s new cottage comes with “minimal visibility” feature
LONDONIn a masterstroke of royal damage control, Buckingham Palace announced that Prince Andrew will relocate to a modest cottage on the Sandringham estate, effectively solving the monarchy’s Andrew problem by placing him somewhere people can politely pretend he doesn’t exist.
The move from the 30-room Royal Lodge to a “cozy” property described as having “adequate plumbing and sufficient distance from public events” represents what palace officials call “a proportionate response to years of catastrophic judgment.”
“We’re calling it a downsizing, but really it’s more of an out-of-sighting,” explained Royal Communications Director Sir Clive Alderton. “The cottage is lovelyrunning water, electricity, and most importantly, it’s tucked away where visiting dignitaries won’t accidentally encounter him and create an international incident.”
The Prince Andrew relocation comes after years of controversy surrounding his association with convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein and a disastrous BBC interview in which the prince claimed he couldn’t sweat and had been at a Pizza Express in Wokinga defense that legal experts universally described as “not helping.”
“This is really the best solution for everyone,” said royal historian Dr. Helena Morrison. “Andrew gets to maintain the fiction that he’s still a working royal, the family gets to maintain the fiction that this adequately addresses public concern, and the public gets to maintain the fiction that we live in a meritocracy where consequences exist for the wealthy and connected.”
The cottage, previously occupied by staff members who were presumably thrilled to be evicted for this purpose, features three bedrooms, a small garden, and “enough distance from anything important that we can all move on with our lives,” according to palace sources.
King Charles III personally oversaw the move, reportedly telling his younger brother: “Andrew, we love you, but you’ve become a PR nightmare of unprecedented proportions. Here’s a cottage. Please stay there. Forever, ideally.”
The Royal Family’s official website has already updated Prince Andrew’s profile to reflect his new status as “A Royal We’d Rather Not Discuss” and removed his biography, replacing it with a single line reading: “Prince Andrew exists. No further questions at this time.”
Public reaction has been mixed, with some praising the monarchy for taking action and others noting that “moving to a slightly smaller mansion on a royal estate” doesn’t exactly constitute accountability in the traditional sense.
“He’s being punished with a free cottage on one of Britain’s most prestigious properties,” observed London resident Sarah Cooper. “Meanwhile, I’m paying £1,800 a month for a studio flat where I can touch all four walls simultaneously. But sure, this seems fair.”
Prince Andrew released a statement through his lawyers expressing gratitude for the “opportunity to serve the Crown in a reduced capacity from a location where I can reflect on my choices while enjoying the countryside.” The statement made no mention of any specific choices requiring reflection, maintaining the royal tradition of vagueness in the face of scandal.
The move is expected to be complete by the end of the month, after which Prince Andrew will officially transition to what palace staff privately call “the royal witness protection program”visible enough to technically still be a prince, invisible enough that everyone can pretend the past decade didn’t happen.
Royal watchers predict this will be the final chapter in the Prince Andrew saga, assuming he follows the palace’s strongly worded suggestion to “stay in the cottage and for the love of God, stop giving interviews.”
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/prince-andrews-sandringham-move/
SOURCE: Prince Andrew’s Sandringham Relocation Solves All Royal Problems (Aisha Muharrar)
