by Federal workers return to discover their jobs remained unnecessary
WASHINGTONThe federal government shutdown that quietly ended last Tuesday continues to have no discernible impact on American life, leading experts to wonder if anyone should mention that it’s over or just let people figure it out eventually.
“We returned to work yesterday,” reported Department of Agriculture economist Linda Morrison. “My inbox had 4,000 unread emails, none of which seemed urgent. Several were from January. One was a meeting reminder for a meeting that already happened. I’m starting to think my job might be performance art.”
The government shutdown conclusion came after 19 weeks of federal employees staying home while America continued functioning normally, processing its own permits, and figuring out how to file taxes without any IRS employees to ignore their calls.
President Trump declared victory during a Rose Garden ceremony attended by furloughed workers who seemed unsure whether they were celebrating returning to work or mourning the end of their unexpected sabbaticals. “We’ve proven that government can be efficient by occasionally not existing,” Trump announced. “Beautiful thing, really. Some people are saying we should try it more often. Smart people. The smartest.”
Federal employees returned to offices that had accumulated months of dust, dead plants, and an uncomfortable number of voicemails from citizens who had somehow figured out how to solve their own problems. The Office of Personnel Management issued guidance encouraging workers to “ease back into the routine of appearing busy” and “remember what your job was supposed to be.”
Department of Education staffer Robert Chen spent his first day back trying to recall what exactly he did before the shutdown. “I have a title, an office, and a computer with my name on it,” Chen said, staring blankly at his desk. “Beyond that, I’m drawing blanks. I think I was working on a report about something. Education, probably. It was definitely education-related.”
Some agencies discovered that automated systems had been handling their responsibilities more efficiently than actual humans. The Patent Office found that an algorithm had processed applications faster during the shutdown than employees had in the previous year, leading to an awkward meeting about “workforce optimization” that everyone knew was code for “the robots are better at your job.”
Private contractors who assumed government functions during the shutdown expressed disappointment at having to return responsibilities to federal workers. “We were charging triple the normal rate and delivering half the service,” explained consultant Brandon Wheeler. “It was the perfect arrangement. Why ruin it by bringing back people who actually know what they’re doing?”
Congressional leaders celebrated the shutdown’s end with a press conference where they congratulated themselves for eventually doing the bare minimum. “This proves that bipartisanship is possible when both parties are sufficiently embarrassed,” said House Speaker Mike Johnson. “We’ve learned valuable lessons about fiscal responsibility and the importance of keeping the government functioning, lessons we’ll definitely remember until the next shutdown in approximately four months.”
Citizens reacted to news of the shutdown’s end with confusion and indifference. “It ended? When did it end? Was it happening?” asked Portland resident Amy Davidson, speaking for millions of Americans who remained blissfully unaware that the federal government had taken a five-month vacation.
Federal workers face the challenge of re-acclimating to routines that were revealed to be largely optional. Employee handbooks are being updated to include sections on “rediscovering your purpose” and “pretending the shutdown didn’t prove anything about the necessity of your position.”
As Washington returns to normal operations, one thing remains clear: the shutdown accomplished nothing, cost billions, affected few, and will almost certainly happen again because apparently that’s just how we do things now.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/the-shutdown-ended-last-week/
SOURCE: Government Shutdown That Ended Last Week Still Affecting Nobody (Aisha Muharrar)
