by New policy targets “abstract economic theories” and “vibes”
In a bold expansion of his trade war, President Trump announced sweeping tariffs on all imported goods, domestic goods, services, ideas, and “anything else we can think of, really.”
The new policy, unveiled during a rally in Ohio where Trump spoke for 47 minutes without completing a single coherent sentence, will impose a baseline 40% tariff on physical goods and a “to be determined” rate on intangible items like consulting services, streaming content, and “the general concept of globalization.”
“Tariffs are beautiful,” Trump declared while holding up a chart showing arrows pointing in various directions labeled “WINNING.” “Everyone said they wouldn’t work, but I know they work because I say they work. That’s how knowing things works. I’m a very stable genius about tariffs.”
The new Trump tariff policy extends beyond traditional trade goods to include previously untariffed items such as imported ideas, foreign-language films, and “suspicious-looking economic data from countries we don’t like.” The Commerce Department will establish a special tribunal to determine which concepts qualify as “foreign” and therefore subject to taxation.
“We’re finally standing up to countries that have taken advantage of America for too long,” explained Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick. “For years, China has been exporting cheap goods, competitive prices, and the notion that trade can be mutually beneficial. Well, no more. We’re tariffing all of it, even the notions.”
The International Trade Administration released a 400-page document outlining implementation details, including a controversial provision requiring Americans to pay a 25% surcharge when thinking about foreign products “in a positive or wistful manner.”
Economists across the political spectrum expressed alarm, noting that tariffs are typically paid by consumers rather than exporting countries, meaning Americans will bear the cost of the president’s trade policy. Trump dismissed these concerns as “fake news from people who went to college and think they’re so smart.”
“The critics don’t understand tariffs like I understand tariffs,” Trump told reporters. “When we tariff China, China pays. It’s very simple. They send us products, we send them tariffs. It’s like a subscription service, except backward and they’re paying us. Somehow. The details don’t matter. Believe me.”
American businesses that rely on imported materials warned of catastrophic price increases. Electronics manufacturers noted that most components are made overseas and cannot be easily replaced with domestic alternatives. Trump responded by suggesting they “just make everything in America” and accused them of “not trying hard enough to be patriotic.”
The tariff announcement sent markets into chaos, with the Dow dropping 800 points before recovering slightly when traders realized this might just be another policy announcement that gets forgotten by next week. Currency markets experienced similar volatility, with the dollar fluctuating wildly as investors tried to calculate the economic impact of taxing abstract concepts.
China’s Foreign Ministry responded with a statement calling the tariffs “economically illiterate” and “the policy equivalent of setting your own house on fire to make your neighbor’s yard look less nice by comparison.” The statement concluded with what appeared to be genuine concern for American consumers who will pay higher prices for everyday goods.
Retail executives warned that the tariffs will force price increases across all product categories. Target CEO Brian Cornell noted that “literally everything in our stores comes from somewhere that’s now being tariffed, including the stores themselves, which were built with imported steel.”
Trump dismissed inflation concerns, insisting that tariffs will somehow lower prices through mechanisms he declined to explain, citing “very complex economic theories that I understand perfectly but you wouldn’t get it.”
When asked about potential retaliation from trading partners, Trump said he “looked forward to it” because “trade wars are good and easy to win,” a quote that economists immediately added to their “Sentences That Aged Poorly” lecture materials.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/trump-announces-new-tariffs/
SOURCE: Trump Announces Tariffs on Everything Including Concepts (Aisha Muharrar)
