by Get Your Ethics Violation Dismissed Before Midnight Tonight!
In a stunning development that surprises absolutely nobody who’s been paying attention, America has officially monetized accountability. That’s right, folksyou can now purchase your way out of consequences faster than you can say “conflict of interest.” It’s like Groupon, but for avoiding corruption charges, and the deals are absolutely incredible!
This revolutionary new system works on a sliding scale: the wealthier you are, the more accountability slides right off you like water off a duck’s back. It’s efficiency at its finest. Why waste time with lengthy investigations and fair trials when you can simply write a check to the right Super PAC and watch your problems disappear faster than evidence in a politically convenient investigation?
The beauty of this new accountability marketplace is its simplicity. Regular citizens get the full justice experiencethink long court proceedings, crushing legal fees, and consequences that actually affect their lives. But if you’re wealthy or politically connected? You get the express lane, the VIP treatment, the “get out of jail free” card that Monopoly promised but society finally delivered.
Legal experts are calling this the natural evolution of American justice, where equality under the law has been replaced by equity in your brokerage account. It’s not corruption if everyone’s doing it, right? That’s just called “the system working as intended.” One ethics professor who requested anonymity (because tenure doesn’t protect you from being honest anymore) explained: “We’ve simply formalized what’s been happening for decades. Now there’s a price list!”
The pricing structure is surprisingly transparent for something so fundamentally opaque. Minor ethics violations start at just $50,000perfect for your standard insider trading or nepotism case. Felony-adjacent activities run about $500,000, which is a steal when you consider the alternative is actual prison time. And for the truly ambitious moral bankrupts among us, a complete immunity package can be yours for a cool $5 million, plus legal fees and a signed photograph with a senator of your choosing.
Critics argue this system is fundamentally unfair and undermines the foundations of democratic governance. To which the architects of this beautiful new marketplace say: “Yeah, and?” They’ve got a point. We’ve been pretending that rich people face real consequences for their actions for so long that everyone’s exhausted from the charade. At least now we’re being honest about the dishonesty.
The accountability-for-sale model has proven so successful that several states are considering franchising opportunities. Delaware is already advertising itself as the “Walmart of Ethical Exemptions”low prices, huge selection, and absolutely no judgment about what you’re buying or why you need it. Nevada is positioning itself as the luxury option, where your accountability doesn’t just disappear; it vanishes in a cloud of glitter and expensive champagne.
Perhaps most impressive is how this system has bipartisan support. Republicans love it because it’s capitalism working exactly as intended. Democrats love it because, well, they’re also rich and would like to avoid accountability too, thank you very much. It’s the rare issue that unites our divided nation: everyone in power agrees that accountability should be optional, negotiable, and definitely for sale.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/accountability-for-sale-limited-time-only/
SOURCE: Accountability For Sale: Limited Time Only (Aisha Muharrar)
