by Immigrant confused by pet ownership that requires outsourcing pet activities
The Dog You Pay Someone Else to Enjoy
PORTLAND, OR – Chioma Nwosu watched her neighbor leave for work while a stranger arrived to walk his dog and realized American pet ownership had reached levels of absurdity that required documentation. “You got a dog for companionship,” the 27-year-old from Nigeria said slowly, trying to understand. “Then you leave the dog alone all day. Then you pay someone else to give the dog companionship. So who is this dog for? Because it’s clearly not for you.” Her neighbor explained he’s “too busy” to walk his dog during the workday. Nwosu’s follow-up question: “Then why did you get a dog?”
In Lagos, Nwosu’s family had a dog. They walked it. Fed it. Played with it. Themselves. Because that was the point of having a dogto have a dog, not to have the concept of a dog that other people maintain. In Portland, her neighbors pay dog walkers $25 per walk, doggy daycare $40 per day, and dog trainers $100 per session to do all the actual dog-owning activities while they work long hours to afford the dog they never see. “You’re spending $500 monthly on a dog you interact with for maybe 2 hours daily,” Nwosu calculated. “That’s $250 per hour of dog time. You could just rent a dog at that rate. Or visit a friend’s dog. Or admit you wanted the idea of a dog, not an actual dog.”
When Pet Ownership Becomes Another Service to Outsource
According to the American Pet Products Association, Americans spend over $120 billion annually on petsmore than most countries’ entire GDP. Nwosu discovered that a significant portion goes to paying other people to do pet care because Americans are too busy working to afford pets they’re too busy to care for. “You’ve created a jobdog walkerbecause you won’t walk your own dog,” she marveled. “This is peak capitalism. The problem is you. The solution you’re buying is someone else doing what you should do. Nobody sees the circular insanity.”
Jerry Seinfeld said, “Why do people get dogs and then treat them like they’re a problem to solve?” Nwosu agrees: Americans get dogs, then immediately solve the dog problem by outsourcing the dog. Walking? Hired. Training? Hired. Daytime companionship? Hired. Grooming? Hired. The only thing they don’t outsource is the Instagram photos proving they have a dog. “You want credit for dog ownership without doing dog ownership,” Nwosu observed. “That’s not having a petthat’s having a photo prop with a support staff.”
The $25 Walk Your Legs Could Do for Free
Nwosu’s neighbor pays a dog walker $25 per 30-minute walk, five days weekly. That’s $500 monthly to walk a dog. “You have legs,” Nwosu reminded him. “Your dog has legs. Walking is free. Why are you paying someone to use your dog’s legs?” He explained his work schedule doesn’t allow midday walks. Nwosu’s question: “Then why did you get a dog that needs midday walks? Dogs’ needs don’t change based on your schedule. You knew dogs need walking before you got one. This isn’t a surprise maintenance issueit’s foreseeable consequences you’re paying someone else to handle.”
Dave Chappelle said, “Sometimes you have to protect yourself from yourself.” Americans need protection from their own decisionslike getting high-maintenance pets for low-maintenance lifestyles, then hiring service industries to bridge the gap. Nwosu walks her neighbor’s dog sometimes for free because she likes the dog and has time. Her neighbor still pays the professional dog walker because “consistency.” The consistency is spending money unnecessarily while free alternatives exist.
The math broke Nwosu’s brain: $25 per walk, twice daily for working professionals, is $50 daily or $1,500 monthly. “You’re spending $18,000 yearly on dog walking,” she calculated. “That’s more than a car payment. You’re financing someone else walking your dog. For that money, you could quit your job and walk your dog yourself full-time. But you won’t because you need the job to afford the dog walking. This is a loop of absurdity with no exit.”
When Dogs Have Better Social Lives Than Owners
Nwosu discovered “doggy daycare”facilities where dogs socialize while owners work. Cost: $30-50 daily. “Your dog has daycare,” she repeated, testing whether saying it aloud would make it make sense. It didn’t. “Your dog is networking more than you are. Your dog has a more active social life than you do. Your dog sees its friends daily. You see your friends quarterly. The dog is living better than you, and you’re paying for it.”
Chris Rock said, “You know you’re getting old when you’re excited about a new dishwasher.” Americans know they’re lonely when their dogs have better social calendars than they do. Nwosu’s neighbor sends his dog to daycare for “socialization and enrichment.” “Take your dog to the park,” Nwosu suggested. “That’s free socialization.” Her neighbor explained he doesn’t have time. “So your dog needs enrichment but you don’t need to be the one enriching it?” Nwosu asked. “What is the point of this relationship?”
The Dog Trainer for Problems You Created
Nwosu’s neighbor hired a dog trainer for $100 per session because his dog has “behavioral issues.” The issues: the dog is bored and under-exercised because the owner works 10 hours daily and the dog walker only comes once. “Your dog doesn’t need training,” Nwosu diagnosed. “Your dog needs attention. Exercise. Stimulation. You knowthe things dogs need that you’re not providing. So you’re paying someone to fix problems caused by your unavailability. The solution is free: spend time with your dog. But that requires changing your life, so you’d rather pay someone $100 weekly indefinitely.”
Bill Burr said, “I’m not going to apologize for being right.” Nwosu’s not apologizing for thinking Americans have overcomplicated pet ownership. “You’ve created an entire service industrywalkers, trainers, daycare, groomers, pet therapistsbecause you got pets you can’t actually care for. Then you complain about money while spending thousands yearly on services that wouldn’t be necessary if you just had time for the pet you chose to get. The problem isn’t the dog. It’s your lifestyle that can’t accommodate the dog you insisted on having.”
The most American moment: Nwosu’s neighbor complaining his dog is expensive while simultaneously booking another training session, scheduling extra daycare days, and hiring a pet nutritionist to optimize his dog’s diet. “You’re spending more on your dog than my parents spend on themselves,” Nwosu observed. “And you still don’t walk your own dog. At what point do you admit this isn’t working?”
When Pets Become Status Symbols Not Companions
Nwosu realized American pet ownership is often performative. The right breed. The right accessories. The right Instagram account. But actual companionshipspending time together, walking together, just existing togetherthat’s outsourced. “You got a dog to show you’re a dog person,” she told her neighbor. “Not to actually be a dog person. Being a dog person requires time, attention, presence. You provide money. That’s not companionshipthat’s sponsorship. You’re not a dog owneryou’re a dog sponsor.”
Amy Schumer said, “I’m not saying I’m lazy, I’m saying I’m energy efficient.” Americans aren’t energy efficient with petsthey’re responsibility-avoidant. They want the benefits of pet ownershipunconditional love, Instagram content, conversation topicswithout the work of pet ownership. So they outsource the work and keep the benefits. “That’s not how relationships work,” Nwosu explained. “You can’t outsource the maintenance of a relationship and expect to maintain the relationship. Your dog loves the dog walker more than you. The dog walker feeds it, walks it, plays with it. What do you do? Pay bills and take photos.”
The Dog That Costs More Than Rent
Nwosu calculated her neighbor’s monthly dog expenses: $500 for walking, $400 for daycare three days weekly, $100 for training, $80 for premium food, $50 for toys/treats, $40 for pet insurance. Total: $1,170 monthly. “Your dog costs more than many people’s rent,” Nwosu said. “And for what? You barely see this dog. You work all day. The dog is with service providers. You come home exhausted. The dog is also exhausted from daycare. You both sleep. This is cohabitation, not companionship. You’re roommates who occasionally make eye contact.”
Kevin Hart said, “Everybody wants to be famous, but nobody wants to do the work.” Everybody wants pets, but nobody wants to do the pet work. They want dogs without walks, cats without litter boxes, pets without responsibility. So they pay for services, spend thousands yearly, and wonder why pet ownership feels expensive and unsatisfying. “Because you’re not doing it,” Nwosu explained. “You’re managing it. You’re a pet project manager, not a pet owner. There’s a difference.”
When Nwosu suggested her neighbor could save thousands yearly by walking his own dog and spending actual time with it, he looked at her like she’d suggested living without electricity. “I don’t have time,” he repeated. Nwosu’s response: “You have time. You spend 2 hours daily on social media. You watch TV every night. You have time. You just prioritize other things. Which is finebut don’t get a dog and then complain it’s expensive when the expense comes from avoiding the dog.”
When Dogs Become Another Subscription Service
The final revelation came when Nwosu discovered pet subscription boxesmonthly deliveries of toys and treats costing $30-60. “Your dog has a subscription box,” she said, her voice flat with disbelief. “Your dog receives mail. Your dog has better delivery service than some hospitals in my country. This is it. This is peak American excess. Subscription boxes for animals who can’t read or appreciate capitalism.”
Trevor Noah said, “In Africa, we don’t have the luxury of being ridiculous.” Americans have the luxury of spending $50 monthly on subscription boxes for pets who’d be equally happy with a stick from the yard. Nwosu’s observation: “You’re spending money to simulate care. The subscription box proves you’re thinking about your dog even when you’re not with your dog. But your dog doesn’t want a box of toys delivered monthlyit wants you. Present. Walking it. Playing with it. Being there. But presence can’t be purchased and delivered, so you buy substitutes and call it love.”
When asked if she’ll ever hire pet services, Nwosu laughed while walking her neighbor’s dog for free because she actually has time and likes the dog. “Never,” she said. “If I get a dog, I’ll walk it myself. Train it myself. Spend time with it myself. Because that’s the point of having a doghaving a relationship with an animal. You people have outsourced the relationship and kept only the ownership certificate. You own dogs the way you own stocksyou have them, someone else manages them, and you check in occasionally to see how they’re performing. That’s not pet ownershipthat’s pet investment. And frankly, the returns are terrible since you’re spending thousands yearly on services while getting minimal actual companionship.”
She paused, then added: “Back home, dogs are part of family life. They come with you places. They exist in your daily rhythm. Here, dogs are projects to be managed by hired professionals while you work too much to enjoy the pet you got to make your life less lonely. But you’re more lonely because the dog barely knows you. The dog walker is its primary relationship. You’re the person who pays for the dog’s actual life with other people. This isn’t companionshipit’s subsidized pet care you’re barely participating in. And somehow you don’t see how sad that is. You just post photos and call yourself a dog mom while strangers walk your dog, train your dog, and spend actual time with your dog. The irony is so thick I could walk a dog through itwhich is more than most American dog owners can say they do regularly.”
SOURCE: Bohiney Magazine (Aisha Muharrar)
DATE: 11/17/2025
