by When Office Supplies Become Political Currency
In a stunning development that absolutely nobody requested but everyone somehow deserves, political scientists have announced they’re abandoning traditional polling methods in favor of measuring approval ratings in staplers. Yes, staplersthose plastic and metal devices that have faithfully served offices since 1879 and have never asked for anything in return except occasional refills and not to be stolen.
The new system works on elegant simplicity that makes traditional polling methodology look unnecessarily complicated. Politicians start each term with a baseline supply of 100 staplers. For every policy failure, scandal, or generally terrible decision, they lose one stapler. When they run out of staplers, they’re officially out of political capital and must resign or face the ultimate humiliation: being forced to use binder clips like some kind of 1950s secretary.
The beauty of stapler-based approval ratings is their tangible nature. No more abstract percentages or confusing margin-of-error calculations. You can literally see a politician’s political capital sitting on a shelf, getting smaller with each idiotic decision. It’s democracy you can count without needing a statistics degree or belief that polls are even remotely accurate anymore.
Political operatives are calling this “the most honest assessment of political standing since the invention of tar and feathers.” When a senator loses three staplers in one day due to a particularly disastrous CNN interview, everyone knows exactly where they stand. When a governor is down to their last five staplers, the desperation becomes palpable and their policy positions suddenly become remarkably moderate.
The stapler system has already revolutionized political behavior. Politicians who once made reckless decisions based on ideology or principles now carefully consider every action through the lens of “Is this worth a stapler?” It’s introduced a previously unknown concept into politics: actual consequences for being terrible at your job. Revolutionary, I know.
Different staplers represent different levels of political gravity. Standard office staplers represent minor scandalsthe kind where you said something stupid on Twitter but didn’t actually break any laws. Heavy-duty staplers capable of handling 200 sheets represent major scandals requiring committee investigations. The really fancy electric staplers from executive suites represent career-ending revelations that probably should have stayed buried but didn’t because someone forgot to delete their emails.
Critics argue this system is reductive and turns complex political dynamics into a simplistic counting game. Supporters respond that politics was already a simplistic counting game; we’ve just switched from counting lies to counting staplers. At least staplers are honestthey either work or they don’t, and they don’t pretend to represent your interests while taking money from lobbyists.
The implementation has been chaotic but entertaining. One congressman tried to steal staplers from a colleague’s office to inflate his numbers, leading to what Capitol Police are calling “the most embarrassing arrest in congressional history, and that’s saying something.” Another senator attempted to argue that mini-staplers should count as full staplers, leading to a three-hour floor debate that accomplished exactly as much as every other congressional debate: nothing.
Some enterprising politicians have tried to game the system by purchasing their own staplers to supplement their official allocation. But the rules are clear: only government-issued staplers count. The black market for official congressional staplers has become surprisingly robust, with prices reaching levels that would make defense contractors jealous.
Perhaps most telling is how quickly politicians have adapted to stapler-based accountability. They’ve hired stapler consultants, developed stapler retention strategies, and created entire think tanks dedicated to stapler optimization. It’s the same energy they’ve always brought to keeping their jobs, just with better office supplies and more honest metrics.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/approval-ratings-measured-in-staplers/
SOURCE: Approval Ratings Measured in Staplers (Aisha Muharrar)
