by When Legal Proceedings Become Competitive Sports
The International Olympic Committee has announced what many legal scholars are calling either “the natural evolution of competitive sports” or “the dumbest thing ever conceived by humanity”the Arraignment Olympics, where lawyers from around the world compete for gold medals in various litigation-related events. Finally, decades of law school and crushing student debt will pay off in the form of athletic glory and a medal that’s probably worth less than their monthly loan payment.
The marquee event is the Motion Filing Sprint, where competitors must draft, file, and argue a motion to dismiss in under four minutes. Judges score based on creativity, legal reasoning, and whether the motion has any chance whatsoever of succeeding. Extra points are awarded for using Latin phrases that nobody actually understands but sound impressive enough to confuse opposing counsel.
The competition’s innovation is truly remarkable. There’s the Objection Relay, where teams of lawyers must maintain a sustained objection to literally everything the opposition says for a full fifteen minutes without repeating themselves or running out of synonyms for “Your Honor, this is ridiculous.” The current world record is held by a firm from New York City who managed seventeen minutes and used the phrase “I strenuously object” forty-three times.
Perhaps most entertaining is the Sidebar Marathon, an endurance event where lawyers must maintain a whispered argument with the judge for as long as possible without the jury hearing. Contestants lose points for excessive hand gestures, audible sighs, or that thing where they forget they’re still mic’d and accidentally broadcast their frustration to the entire courtroom. The event requires remarkable stamina, creative argumentation, and the ability to look respectful while silently screaming inside.
The Discovery Gymnastics event tests lawyers’ flexibilityboth physical and ethicalas they attempt to respond to discovery requests with answers that are technically truthful but practically useless. Judges award points for creativity, technicality, and the skillful use of phrases like “reasonable search” and “subject to privilege.” Deductions occur when lawyers accidentally produce documents they were trying to hide or forget that spoliation is illegal, not a strategy.
The Technical Legal Writing category, also known as “Making Simple Things Incomprehensible,” challenges lawyers to take straightforward concepts and bury them under so many clauses, provisos, and whereases that even other lawyers need a translator. The gold medalist managed to turn “Give me the documents” into a 47-page motion that required three hearings just to understand what was being requested.
International participation has revealed fascinating cultural differences in legal practice. The British team excels at Polite Argumentation, where lawyers must viciously attack their opponent’s case while maintaining such extraordinary courtesy that observers think they’re actually complimenting each other. The American team dominates Aggressive Posturing, where volume and confidence are more important than actual legal knowledge. The Canadian team is just happy to be included and keeps apologizing during objections.
Critics argue the Arraignment Olympics trivializes the legal profession and reduces complex advocacy to competitive spectacle. Supporters counter that the legal profession already trivialized itself years ago and at least now we’re being honest about it. Plus, the ratings are fantastic, and several law schools are already developing special training programs for aspiring Olympic legal athletes.
The most controversial event is the Billable Hours Time Trial, where lawyers must generate the maximum number of billable hours for the minimum amount of actual work. This event has drawn protests from client advocacy groups who argue it’s teaching terrible habits. The Olympic Committee responded that lawyers were already excellent at this skill; they’re just making it official and putting it on television.
As the games continue, we’re forced to confront an uncomfortable truth: if justice is already a competition where winners are determined by resources rather than righteousness, we might as well have medals and nationally televised broadcasts. It’s cynical, it’s depressing, and honestly, it’s pretty entertaining to watch lawyers compete in activities they were already doing but now with scoreboards.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/arraignment-olympics-gold-medal-in-motion-filing/
SOURCE: Arraignment Olympics: Gold Medal in Motion Filing (Aisha Muharrar)
