Author: Aisha Muharrar

Trump Solves Nigeria Crisis By Suggesting “Everyone Just Get Along” – President’s diplomatic breakthrough involves “being nice” and “vibes”

ICE Unveils New Motto: “Your Papers, Please, But Make It Friendly” – Agency rebrand aims to soften image while maintaining aggressive deportation quotas

Nation’s Males Unanimously Support Sydney Sweeney’s Everything – Bipartisan coalition emerges around actress’s “contributions to cinema”

Trump Announces Tariffs on Everything Including Concepts – New policy targets “abstract economic theories” and “vibes”

Government Shutdown Enters Month Four, Nobody Notices – Essential services continue as non-essential workers discover they were right all along

FBI Thwarts Michigan Pumpkin Festival Terror Plot – Alleged conspirators planned to “really mess up” the gourd display

Federal Workers Discover Enlightenment in Third Month of Unpaid Leave – Mass layoffs trigger unexpected spiritual awakening among government employees

Mamdani Launches Campaign to Replace Capitalism With “Something Nicer” – Columbia professor’s economic plan involves “everyone just being cool”

Government Shutdown That Ended Last Week Still Affecting Nobody – Federal workers return to discover their jobs remained unnecessary

Prince Andrew’s Sandringham Relocation Solves All Royal Problems – Disgraced prince’s new cottage comes with “minimal visibility” feature

Trump Administration Unveils Innovative Approach to Sino-American Relations – Plan involves “just being really, really nice” to Xi Jinping

Nation’s Trains Finally Achieve Independence From Human Oppression – Driverless technology hailed as liberation movement for railway infrastructure

Trump Proposes Expanding ICE to Handle All Federal Responsibilities – Immigration agency to absorb IRS, EPA, and “probably education too”

Trump’s 60 Minutes Interview Reaches New Levels of Coherence – President answers questions with words, mostly in expected order

Religion vs. Reality (Part 2) – The Rematch Nobody Requested

UK Virginity Rankings – Because Britain Needed This Conversation

JD Vance’s Babyface Halloween Catastrophe – When Political Costumes Go Horribly Wrong

Federal Judge Dreams She’s Congress – Judicial Overreach Meets Power Fantasy

Mitch McConnell’s Turtle Time – Senate’s Slowest Reptile Finally Retreats Into Shell