by When Life Gives You Chemical Irritants, Make Spooky Season
In a masterclass of political spin that would make George Orwell’s head explode, Democratic organizers have successfully rebranded a tear-gassed ICE protest as a festive Halloween parade, complete with costume prizes and apple cider that definitely didn’t come from overturned vendor carts.
The transformation occurred last Tuesday when what began as a peaceful demonstration outside an ICE detention facility devolved into chemical warfare, prompting quick-thinking Democratic communications director Sarah Bellwether to shout, “Everyone wave your arms like you’re doing the Monster Mash!” Through streaming tears, approximately 300 protesters complied, creating what CNN would later describe as “hauntingly beautiful choreography.”
By Wednesday morning, press releases were circulating describing the event as the “First Annual October Resistance Spectacular,” featuring “immersive fog effects” (tear gas), “zombie-themed makeup” (the natural result of capsaicin exposure), and “spirit-themed costumes” (the clothes people happened to be wearing). One participant’s “ICE-breaking activist” ensemble won Best Political Costume, though she was still coughing up phlegm during the awards ceremony.
The rebranding effort received unexpected support from local businesses eager to avoid controversy. Melissa’s Costume Emporium quickly issued a statement claiming they’d sponsored the event all along, despite having no prior knowledge of it. “We’re proud to support community gatherings,” said owner Melissa Chen, reading from a script her lawyer definitely didn’t write. “Whether it involves civil disobedience or candy corn, we’re there.”
According to civil liberties organizations, the use of tear gas on protesters raises serious constitutional concerns, but those concerns were quickly drowned out by the catchy slogan “Boo ICE, Not Ghosts!” which trended on Twitter for approximately eleven minutes before being buried under discourse about a celebrity’s controversial sandwich order.
The event’s Yelp page now features five-star reviews praising the “authentic horror experience” and “realistic special effects that made my eyes feel like they were melting.” One reviewer noted, “The paramedics added an extra touch of verisimilitude to the zombie apocalypse theme. 10/10 would get chemically dispersed again.”
ICE officials released a statement claiming they were simply “participating in the Halloween spirit by dressing as themselves, which is apparently terrifying enough.” When pressed on the tear gas deployment, a spokesperson clarified that it was “obviously just industrial-strength fog machine liquid” and that any respiratory distress was “probably from eating too much candy.”
Political analysts marvel at the Democrats’ ability to spin disaster into celebration. According to policy research institutes, this represents a new frontier in political messaging where objective reality becomes optional if you have a good enough theme song.
Plans are already underway for next year’s event, tentatively titled “Thanksgiving Pepper Spray Potluck” or possibly “Christmas Rubber Bullet Caroling,” depending on which federal agency responds first. Organizers promise even better costumes, though they’re still workshopping whether “victim of state violence” counts as a Halloween character or just Tuesday in America.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/democrats-rebrand-tear-gassed-ice-protest-as-halloween-parade/
SOURCE: Democrats Rebrand Tear-Gassed ICE Protest as Halloween Parade (Aisha Muharrar)
