Dog Grooming Costs More Than Human Haircuts

Immigrant discovers pet pampering exceeds human grooming

When Pets Get Spa Days and Humans Get Clipper Cuts

PORTLAND, OR – Ama Osei discovered her neighbor pays $85 every six weeks for dog grooming—more than Osei spends on her own haircuts quarterly. The 28-year-old from Ghana did the math and experienced mathematical vertigo: Americans spend more annually grooming pets than many people in her country earn. “Your dog’s grooming costs more than human haircuts,” Osei said slowly. “Yes, but he’s a doodle,” her neighbor explained, as if breed justified the price. “He’s a dog,” Osei corrected. “With fur. That you’re paying $85 to trim. My haircut costs $25. I’m a human with a job. Your dog is unemployed but has superior grooming budget. Explain this to me like I’m not crazy for thinking it’s crazy.”

In Accra, Osei’s family had dogs. They washed them with hoses and trimmed fur with scissors when necessary. Cost: $0 plus water and time. In Portland, dogs visit grooming salons with appointment booking systems, breed-specific styling options, and prices exceeding human salon visits. “You’ve given dogs the rich person treatment,” Osei observed. “Spa appointments, professional stylists, premium products. Meanwhile, you get your hair cut at Great Clips for $18 and feel fancy. Your priorities are backwards.”

When Pet Pampering Becomes Status Symbol

According to the American Pet Products Association, Americans spend over $10 billion annually on pet grooming and boarding—more than many countries’ GDP. Osei’s neighbor explained her doodle needs “regular grooming to prevent matting.” Osei’s response: “Or you could brush him daily for free. The grooming isn’t necessity—it’s convenience and status. You’re paying $85 so you don’t have to brush your dog. That’s $85 per month to avoid 10 minutes daily of brushing. That’s $5,100 over five years. For brushing. You could hire a part-time employee for that money.”

Jim Gaffigan said, “I don’t know what’s in shape, but I know my dog isn’t paying for it.” Americans’ dogs are paying for grooming with their owners’ money while owners skip haircuts to save money. Osei’s coworker admitted she cuts her own hair to afford her cat’s grooming. “You self-groom to professionally groom your cat,” Osei summarized. “Your cat receives services you deny yourself. You’ve prioritized your cat’s appearance over your own. This is either profound love or profound confusion about species hierarchy.”

The Breed-Specific Grooming That Costs Extra

Osei discovered breed-specific grooming costs more. Her neighbor’s doodle: $85. Her other neighbor’s short-haired mutt: $45. “You’re charged based on fur complexity,” Osei marveled. “Like hair difficulty determines price. But you chose the expensive-fur dog. You selected a breed requiring $85 grooming every six weeks, then complain it’s expensive. You manufactured this problem by choosing a high-maintenance breed, then pay to maintain the maintenance you chose. This is self-inflicted financial suffering.”

Dave Chappelle said, “Sometimes you have to protect yourself from yourself.” Americans need protection from their dog-breed choices that require expensive grooming they’ll complain about for 15 years. Osei’s neighbor explained doodles are “hypoallergenic and don’t shed.” Osei countered: “They also cost $2,000 to buy and $1,300 yearly to groom. That’s $21,500 over 15 years. You could’ve gotten a mutt for $50 and groomed it yourself for free. You chose expensive. Own it.”

When Dog Spas Offer Services Humans Can’t Afford

Osei visited a dog grooming salon and discovered services rivaling human spas: blueberry facials ($15), teeth brushing ($12), nail polish ($8), cologne application ($6). “Your dog gets facials,” Osei said to her neighbor who uses these services. “Does your dog appreciate blueberry facials? Does he care about nail polish? Does he request cologne? These are human vanity services applied to animals who lick themselves and eat garbage. You’re projecting your spa desires onto a creature who would happily roll in mud five minutes after grooming.”

Chris Rock said, “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy.” Osei knows America is crazy when dogs receive spa treatments while humans work too much to visit spas. Her neighbor’s dog gets monthly blueberry facials. Her neighbor hasn’t had a facial in two years. “Your dog is living better than you,” Osei observed. “You’re working extra hours to afford dog grooming that includes services you can’t afford for yourself. You’ve inverted the relationship. The dog is the luxury. You’re the labor funding dog luxury. This is feudalism except the lords are golden retrievers.”

The Groomer More Qualified Than Some Doctors

Osei discovered professional dog groomers require certification, continuing education, and specialized tools costing thousands. “Your dog’s groomer is more qualified than some healthcare workers,” she marveled. “They train for years to trim dog fur. Meanwhile, EMTs make minimum wage saving human lives. Your society values dog appearance over human emergency care. The EMT who saves your life earns less than the person who makes your dog smell like coconuts. Fix this.”

Bill Burr said, “I’m not going to apologize for being right.” Osei’s not apologizing for thinking dog grooming prices are insane. “You’re spending more on dog aesthetics than many people spend on human healthcare,” she told her neighbor. “Your dog’s quarterly grooming exceeds my healthcare deductible. You have grooming budget but no emergency fund. Your priorities are pets-first, humans-second. When you can’t afford rent, your well-groomed dog won’t pay it. But at least he’ll look good during eviction.”

Amy Schumer said, “I’m not saying I’m lazy, I’m saying I’m energy efficient.” Americans aren’t financially efficient—they’re pet-prioritizing to the point of self-sabotage. Osei’s neighbor borrowed money for groceries but kept the dog’s grooming appointment. “You’re hungry but your dog is fluffy,” Osei observed. “You’ve decided dog appearance matters more than human nutrition. This is late-stage pet culture. You’re sacrificing basic needs to maintain pet luxury services your dog doesn’t appreciate or understand.”

When Grooming Becomes Social Requirement Not Hygiene

Osei realized expensive grooming isn’t about pet health—it’s about owner status. “You’re not grooming for the dog,” she told her neighbor. “You’re grooming for other dog owners who judge your dog’s appearance. This is social signaling through pet maintenance. Your dog doesn’t care if he’s groomed at a salon or your bathtub. You care because other humans judge you based on your dog’s aesthetic. You’ve turned pet ownership into performance. The grooming is the costume.”

Kevin Hart said, “Everybody wants to be famous, but nobody wants to do the work.” Everybody wants well-groomed dogs, but nobody wants to groom dogs themselves because professional grooming is the status marker. DIY grooming suggests you can’t afford professional grooming. “You’re paying $85 to prove you can afford $85,” Osei said. “The grooming isn’t the point—the receipt is. You’re buying proof you’re not poor. Your dog is a walking billboard advertising your disposable income. This is the most expensive peacocking I’ve seen, and the peacock is a golden retriever who eats his own vomit.”

When asked if she’ll ever pay for professional pet grooming, Osei laughed while brushing her future hypothetical dog with a $12 brush that lasts years. “Never,” she said. “I’ll wash my dog with soap and water, brush regularly, trim nails myself—all tasks requiring basic competence and zero professional certification. You people have convinced yourselves that grooming dogs requires experts. It doesn’t. It requires willingness to wash and brush an animal. Your ancestors did this. You’ve decided you can’t or won’t, so you pay $85 monthly for someone to do what you could do free. That’s not love—that’s expensive learned helplessness. Your dog doesn’t need $85 grooming. You need validation from other pet owners that you’re doing pet ownership correctly, which apparently requires spending more on dog grooming than human haircuts. Back home, this would be considered temporary insanity. Here, it’s just Tuesday at the dog salon.”

SOURCE: Bohiney Magazine (Aisha Muharrar)

DATE: 11/25/2025