by When Foreign Policy Meets Mood Swings
The State Department announced today that American foreign policy will now be conducted according to the diplomatic principle of “vibes”, officially abandoning centuries of careful negotiation in favor of whatever feels right in the moment. The new approach, dubbed “Erratic Diplomacy,” has already yielded spectacular results, including three new enemies, two confused allies, and one country that’s still not sure if we’re at war or sending them a fruit basket.
Secretary of State Brandon Mitchell defended the strategy during a press conference where he alternated between aggressive threats and offering journalists emotional support. “Traditional diplomacy is so 20th century,” he explained while stress-eating a croissant. “Why should we be bound by consistency, precedent, or basic human decency when we could just go with the flow?”
The approach has proven particularly effective with America’s oldest allies, who now spend their days anxiously refreshing Twitter to see if they’re still friends with the United States. The United Kingdom learned it was in a “complicated relationship status” with America after a late-night tweet storm about tea being “mid at best.” Prime Minister’s office responded with a carefully worded statement that essentially translated to “are you okay, mate?”
France discovered its diplomatic standing had changed when the American ambassador showed up to a state dinner dressed as a giant wedge of cheese, explaining it was “performance art commentary on your whole deal.” According to official State Department protocols, this somehow counted as an official diplomatic communication, requiring an equally artistic response involving a mime and a baguette.
The new policy has been especially challenging for career diplomats who spent decades mastering the subtle art of international relations, only to be told their expertise is now “giving dusty energy.” One anonymous Foreign Service officer described the situation: “I speak seven languages, have a PhD in international law, and spent 30 years building relationships. Now my job is to explain why we threatened to invade Canada over a hockey game and then immediately offered them foreign aid for syrup research.”
China has adapted surprisingly well to the erratic approach, mainly because they’ve decided to just ignore American diplomacy altogether and focus on their own thing. “We’ve stopped trying to understand,” said one Chinese diplomat through a translator. “Now we just smile, nod, and continue building infrastructure in Africa while you’re having your moment.”
According to international relations experts, the strategy represents either a revolutionary breakthrough in diplomatic theory or a complete abandonment of rational foreign policypossibly both simultaneously, which would be perfectly on-brand.
The United Nations has responded by creating a new position: “Chief Interpreter of American Intentions,” whose sole job is to guess what the United States actually means when it says things. The position comes with hazard pay and unlimited access to the building’s therapy dog.
As the experiment in chaos continues, other nations are considering adopting similar approaches. “If America can conduct foreign policy like a drunk text at 3 AM, why can’t we?” asked one European diplomat. The answer, apparently, is that everyone else still has shame.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/erratic-diplomacy/
SOURCE: Erratic Diplomacy (Aisha Muharrar)
