by Mass layoffs trigger unexpected spiritual awakening among government employees
WASHINGTONIn an unexpected twist to the ongoing federal workforce reduction, thousands of laid-off government employees report achieving states of profound spiritual enlightenment after months of forced unemployment. Buddhist monasteries across the nation have been inundated with applications from former IRS agents, EPA scientists, and Department of Education staffers who claim to have discovered inner peace while filing for unemployment benefits.
“When they took away my job at the General Services Administration, they freed me from the illusion of purpose,” explained former procurement specialist Jennifer Walsh, now going by the name Joyful Emptiness. “I spent 15 years buying office supplies for America, and now I realize that the true office supply was inside me all along. Also, I’m broke.”
The phenomenon has baffled sociologists and delighted budget hawks, who never imagined that mass federal layoffs would produce a generation of enlightened beings capable of transcending earthly concerns like rent and healthcare. The Office of Management and Budget released a statement praising the “unexpected dividends of fiscal responsibility.”
“We always knew that reducing the federal workforce would save money,” said OMB Director Russell Vought. “We just didn’t anticipate it would also save souls. It’s a two-for-one deal, really. Fiscal conservatism meets spiritual awakening. Jesus would be proud, probably.”
Former CDC epidemiologist Dr. Marcus Johnson has been leading meditation sessions in a foreclosed community center, teaching other displaced workers to embrace the present momentlargely because dwelling on the past (when they had salaries) or the future (which looks increasingly bleak) triggers panic attacks.
“The government giveth, and the government taketh away,” Johnson intoned while sitting cross-legged on a yoga mat purchased during better times. “Blessed be the name of efficiency. Also, does anyone know of any temp work? Asking for a friend. The friend is me.”
The enlightenment trend has spawned a cottage industry of self-help seminars with titles like “Transcending Your GS-13 Identity” and “The Buddha Probably Didn’t Have Student Loans, But You Do: A Workshop.” Former federal employees gather in parks and coffee shops to discuss the impermanence of all things, especially job security under the current administration.
Political scientists note the irony that a workforce once criticized for being difficult to fire has now embraced the Buddhist concept of non-attachment, primarily because they have no choice. “It’s remarkable,” said Georgetown professor Linda Martinez. “These people have achieved what spiritual seekers spend lifetimes pursuing, and all it took was a pink slip and three months of existential dread.”
Not everyone has found the silver lining. Former Department of Housing and Urban Development employee Robert Chen reports that while he hasn’t achieved enlightenment, he has developed an impressive ability to make ramen noodles in 47 different ways. “People keep telling me this is a blessing in disguise,” Chen said. “I’m still waiting for it to take off the disguise. Any day now would be great.”
The White House has yet to comment on the spiritual awakening among former federal workers, though a spokesperson noted that reducing attachment to material things like “employment” and “financial stability” was always part of the long-term vision for government reform.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/federal-workers-achieve-enlightenment/
SOURCE: Federal Workers Discover Enlightenment in Third Month of Unpaid Leave (Aisha Muharrar)
