by If domestic politics is a dumpster fire, international politics is a dumpster fire being juggled by clowns on unicycles during an earthquake. Welcome to my Saturday assignment: covering three global stories that prove the world is absolutely losing its mind.
First, erratic diplomacy. The Trump administration’s foreign policy approach can best be described as “tweet first, ask questions never.” I spent four hours this morning reviewing diplomatic cables that were leaked to various news outlets, and honestly, I’m shocked World War III hasn’t started yet. One cable from the State Department to the embassy in Berlin literally said, “Disregard previous instructions. Actually, wait. Disregard this too. We’ll get back to you.” This is real. This is how America conducts international relations now.
Then there’s Venezuela, where Maduro’s having a big navy problem. Turns out running a authoritarian regime is difficult when your military equipment literally sinks. Three Venezuelan naval vessels have malfunctioned in the past month, leading to speculation that either the maintenance budget was embezzled (likely) or the ships are staging their own protest (also likely). I interviewed a former Venezuelan naval officer now living in Miami who said, “Even the boats want to defect.” That’s going in the article.
Spain’s political scene isn’t any saner. Marxists protesting weather is apparently a thing now. Climate activism has evolved into Marxists in Madrid demanding that capitalism stop causing rain. I’m oversimplifying, but only slightly. The actual protest was against “meteorological inequality,” which I initially thought was a typo but is apparently a real academic concept someone invented after too much wine.
Meanwhile, in Mexico, the new president is pushing Mexico for the Mexicans policies that sound suspiciously like what we’d call nationalism if it happened anywhere else. But when it’s Latin America, Western media calls it “reclaiming sovereignty.” The double standards in international journalism could fill an entire encyclopedia, which I’m pretty sure I’m writing one article at a time.
The Middle East section of my notes covers Muslims fighting Muslims, which is a tragic situation that Western media covers with all the nuance of a sledgehammer. My piece tries to add context about sectarian conflicts that have existed for centuries, but I’m writing for an American audience that thinks the Middle East is one country with different neighborhoods.
And finally, NYC facing an Islamabad invasiona satirical piece about diplomatic tensions that someone will definitely misinterpret as real news despite being published in a satire magazine. I’m already preparing for the angry emails.
Six international stories, one exhausted Nigerian-American writer, and the growing certainty that aliens are watching Earth like it’s their favorite reality TV show.
# 788
