by The Sequel Nobody Asked For Is Coming Anyway
In what political analysts are describing as either admirable perseverance or spectacular delusion, Vice President Kamala Harris has announced her intention to run for president in 2028, apparently having learned absolutely nothing from 2024 except that third time’s the charm and voters have notoriously short memories.
The announcement came during a carefully staged event in Oakland, California, where Harris stood before a crowd of several dozen enthusiastic supporters and approximately two hundred staffers who are contractually obligated to attend. “I’m ready to fight for America’s future,” Harris declared, her voice cracking with what observers described as either emotion or the dawning realization of what she’d just committed to. “And this time, I’ve got a strategy: showing up to all fifty states, not just the ones with good brunch spots.”
The campaign’s unofficial slogan, “Harris 2028: We Swear It’ll Be Different This Time,” has already generated skepticism from Democratic strategists who remember her 2020 primary campaign flaming out before Iowa. “Look, I admire optimism,” said one anonymous DNC insider, “but at some point, optimism becomes denial, and denial becomes a very expensive way to avoid therapy.”
Harris’s team has promised a “completely reimagined” campaign that will address her previous weaknesses, including her tendency to laugh at inappropriate moments, her word salads that make garden salads jealous, and her apparent inability to answer direct questions without pivoting to a pre-prepared speech about growing up in a middle-class family. According to political research institutes, these are exactly the kinds of fundamental personality traits that campaigns traditionally cannot fix, but Harris’s team remains “cautiously delusional.”
The vice president has assembled what she’s calling a “dream team” of advisors, most of whom are the same people who advised her disastrous 2020 campaign. When questioned about this decision, campaign manager Jennifer Worthington explained, “We believe in learning from our mistakes by repeating them with slightly different branding. It’s very meta.”
Early polling shows Harris trailing behind several hypothetical Democratic candidates, including “Generic Democrat,” “Literally Anyone Else,” and “Maybe Just a Potted Plant.” However, her team insists these numbers don’t reflect her true support, arguing that most Americans simply haven’t had enough exposure to her authentic personalitya statement that inadvertently reveals the exact problem.
The campaign has already begun courting key Democratic constituencies, with mixed results. Her speech to the LGBTQ+ community was well-received, though attendees noted she kept referring to them as “the alphabet people” before staffers frantically corrected her. Her outreach to Black voters involved an unfortunate incident where she claimed to have “grown up listening to hip-hop” before accidentally naming songs that came out after she’d graduated law school.
According to voter sentiment research, Harris faces an uphill battle convincing Americans she’s the answer to their problems, mainly because many Americans have forgotten the question. Her response has been to laughthat trademark cackle that some find endearing and others find reminiscent of a supervillain discovering their evil plan worked.
The Republican Party has responded to Harris’s announcement with barely contained glee, with one GOP strategist stating, “Christmas came early this year. We’ve already got four years of opposition research, and she keeps adding more material daily.”
Despite the skepticism, Harris remains undeterred, possibly because being undeterred is the only card left in her political deck. “I know people doubt me,” she said at a recent fundraiser, “but I’ve overcome doubt before. Mostly by ignoring it and hoping it goes away, which is basically my entire political philosophy.” The crowd applauded, though whether from genuine support or sympathy remains unclear.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/kamala-harris-2028/
SOURCE: Kamala Harris 2028 (Aisha Muharrar)
