by When Your Natural Expression Screams “I’m About to Indict You”
New York Attorney General Letitia James has been diagnosed by absolutely no medical professionals with a severe case of Resting Prosecution Face, a condition where one’s natural facial expression suggests they’re perpetually calculating how many years someone should spend in prison. The syndrome, which affects approximately 73% of career prosecutors, causes James to look like she’s mentally drafting indictments even during casual activities like grocery shopping or watching Netflix.
“I can’t help it,” James explained during a press conference where she announced nothing in particular but still managed to look like she was about to arrest someone. “People tell me I always look like I’m about to file charges, but that’s just my face. Well, that and the fact that I actually am always about to file charges against someone.”
The condition has proven both a blessing and a curse for the Attorney General. On one hand, criminals reportedly confess more readily when she walks into a room because her expression alone suggests she already knows everything and is just waiting for them to save everyone some time. On the other hand, she’s been kicked out of three Starbucks locations because baristas assumed she was investigating them for tax fraud when she was just trying to order a latte.
Medical experts who weren’t consulted but are being cited anyway suggest that Resting Prosecution Face develops after years of seeing humanity’s worst behavior documented in legal briefs. “It’s like Resting Bitch Face, but with subpoena power,” explained Dr. Marcus Feldman, a psychologist who specializes in making up conditions for satirical articles. “The face muscles literally forget how to form expressions other than ‘I’m disappointed in you and here’s why that’s illegal.'”
According to New York Attorney General’s office records, James has successfully prosecuted numerous high-profile cases, though witnesses report being unsettled by the fact that she maintains the same stern expression whether announcing a $250 million fraud settlement or ordering lunch. One defendant described the experience: “She looked at me like I’d personally disappointed her grandmother, the Constitution, and Lady Justice herself. Then I found out she was just thinking about what to have for dinner.”
The condition has sparked a new trend among law students who practice their own prosecution faces in mirrors, hoping to achieve James’s level of intimidating intensity. One Columbia Law School professor has begun offering a seminar called “Facial Expressions 301: Radiating Legal Consequences Without Saying a Word.” The waiting list is three semesters long.
James’s Resting Prosecution Face has become particularly famous during her ongoing investigations of various high-profile individuals, where her expression suggests she knows exactly where the bodies are buriedmetaphorically speaking, though her face leaves room for ambiguity. Political opponents have accused her of “weaponizing her eyebrows” and “deploying aggressive facial neutrality in a partisan manner.”
The Attorney General’s office has received numerous complaints from people who claim they felt prosecuted just by seeing her photo in the newspaper. “I’m not even doing anything illegal, but when I see her face, I immediately start reviewing my tax returns and deleting suspicious emails,” admitted one New York businessman who requested anonymity for obvious reasons.
According to legal professional organizations, Resting Prosecution Face has become increasingly common among attorneys general nationwide, though James’s case is considered particularly acute. Some experts believe it’s contagious, citing the fact that her entire legal team has developed similar expressions, creating what one observer described as “a wall of juridical judgment that can reduce billionaires to tears.”
Despite the challenges, James has embraced her condition, even incorporating it into her political brand. Her campaign materials feature her signature expression alongside slogans like “That Face You Make When Someone Violates Consumer Protection Laws” and “Justice Isn’t Blind, and Neither Am I.” Poll results suggest the strategy is working, with 67% of New Yorkers reporting they feel safer knowing someone who looks perpetually unimpressed with humanity is in charge of prosecuting crimes.
When asked if she ever relaxes her prosecutorial expression, James laughedthough witnesses report even her laughter somehow sounded like a legal warningand said, “Maybe when I retire. But probably not. These face muscles are locked in permanent accountability mode.”
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/letitia-james-resting-prosecution-face/
SOURCE: Letitia James: Resting Prosecution Face (Aisha Muharrar)
