by West African immigrant shocked to learn Mayo is considered “exotic”
The Great American Spice Betrayal
BROOKLYN, NY – After three years in America, Kwame Osei finally understands why his neighbors kept warning him about “dangerously spicy” buffalo wings. “In Lagos, we feed this to children when they misbehave,” Osei said, staring at a bottle of Frank’s RedHot sauce like it personally insulted his ancestors.
The 34-year-old software engineer arrived from Ghana in 2022 with high hopes and a suitcase full of actual pepper. What he found instead was a nation that considers black pepper “adventurous” and calls mayonnaise-based coleslaw a “salad.” “Your Taco Bell Fire Sauce is what we use to clean rust off motorcycles,” Osei explained, while casually eating what his coworkers described as “suicide wings” without breaking a sweat.
When Ranch Dressing Is the Spiciest Thing in the Fridge
According to the USA Today Food Section, Americans consume over 100 million pounds of buffalo sauce annually, apparently unaware that it’s mostly butter with anger management issues. Osei’s American girlfriend, Jennifer, once had to leave the dinner table when he made jollof rice. “She said her mouth was on fire,” Osei recalled, still confused. “I hadn’t even added the peppers yet. That was just the onions cooking.”
Chris Rock once said, “You know you’re getting old when you get excited about a new dishwasher.” But Osei gets excited when he finds a restaurant that doesn’t consider paprika a “bold flavor choice.” His quest for actual spice has led him through countless “authentic” ethnic restaurants where the staff nervously asks, “Are you SURE you want it spicy?” as if he’s about to sign a legal waiver.
The Mild, Milder, Mildest Menu
Last Tuesday, Osei visited a Thai restaurant in Manhattan where the menu offered spice levels from 1 to 10. Confident, he ordered a 10. The waiter, a 19-year-old named Kyle, leaned in conspiratorially: “Dude, are you sure? The 10 is, like, really intense.” What arrived was what Osei describes as “a pleasant tomato soup that maybe walked past a chili pepper once in a grocery store.”
Jim Gaffigan said, “I don’t know what’s in Hot Pockets, but I’m pretty sure it’s the same lava they use for volcanoes.” Osei disagrees: “At least Hot Pockets have heat. Your ‘spicy’ chicken sandwich at Chick-fil-A is just a regular chicken sandwich having an emotional day.”
The revelation came during a company potluck when Osei brought his grandmother’s groundnut soupa mild, comforting dish in West African standards. Within minutes, three coworkers were crying, one was on the phone with poison control, and someone activated the building’s sprinkler system. “It was just peanuts and tomatoes,” Osei said, bewildered. “My grandmother serves this to toddlers with teething problems.”
The Caucasian Spice Rack Conspiracy
Further investigation revealed that most American spice racks contain exactly six items: salt, pepper, garlic powder, Italian seasoning from 2007, cinnamon for that one pie recipe, and something called “Old Bay” that Marylanders treat like a religious artifact. “I once watched my neighbor season a steak with just salt and call it ‘keeping it simple,'” Osei said. “In my country, we would call this ‘giving up.'”
Kevin Hart said, “My kids don’t listen to me, but you know what they do listen to? Fear.” Osei’s coworkers now live in fear of his lunch. The office kitchen has implemented a new policy requiring a 24-hour warning before he heats up any food that might contain actual flavor. Human Resources sent out a memo titled “Cultural Sensitivity and Adequate Ventilation.”
When Whole Foods Betrayed His Trust
The final straw came at a Whole Foods Market where Osei found a jar labeled “Extreme Ghost Pepper Sauce” for $14.99. Reading the ingredients, he discovered it was mostly apple cider vinegar and hope. “The second ingredient was sugar,” he said, holding the jar like evidence in a criminal trial. “They’re charging people $15 for sweet ketchup with trust issues. This is America.”
Dave Chappelle said, “I’m not a player, I just crush a lot.” But Osei crushes hot peppersactual scotch bonnets from the African market in Queenswhile his neighbors crush Tylenol after attempting to eat his leftovers. His roommate once tried Osei’s “mild” pepper sauce and spent 20 minutes with his head in the freezer, contemplating his life choices.
When asked if he’ll ever adjust to American spice levels, Osei shook his head while seasoning his lunch with something that made the reporter’s eyes water from three feet away. “Why would I adjust to mediocrity?” he asked. “You people think Chipotle is ethnic food. You put cheese on everything like it’s a food bandage. Your ‘Everything Bagel’ seasoning is just seeds having an identity crisis.”
Bill Burr said, “I’m not going to apologize for having a good time.” And Osei isn’t apologizing for bringing actual flavor to this bland, ranch-dressing-soaked nationone traumatized coworker at a time.
SOURCE: Bohiney Magazine (Aisha Muharrar)
DATE: 11/2/2025
