by Thursday brought an assignment that requires both time travel and political imagination: writing about Kamala Harris 2028. Because nothing says “lessons learned” like immediately speculating about the next election cycle before this one’s confetti has been swept up.
The piece requires me to analyze Harris’s political future while pretending the previous election cycle taught us anything at all. Spoiler: it didn’t. American voters have the collective memory of goldfish with concussions. We learn nothing, remember less, and repeat everything.
My article opens with: “Before you’ve finished reading this sentence, someone in Democratic Party headquarters has already started planning Kamala Harris’s 2028 campaign strategy.” It’s satire, but it’s also probably true. American politics operates on the principle that losing is just winning in the future tense. Participation trophies all around.
The research took me back through recent political history, which means I revisited Democratic operatives’ brilliant strategic decisions and their innovative rebranding initiatives. If these are the minds planning 2028, I have concerns. Big ones. The kind you can see from space.
Between drafts, Marcus asked me to update my 15 more reasons to hate Trump piece with recent developments. Apparently, the list has grown to 27 reasons, which means we’re now doing a whole series. “America’s Ongoing Grievances: A Comprehensive Guide” is the working title for the compilation. It’ll be a bestseller, assuming anyone can still read by the time it’s published given the state of American education.
I also received feedback on my Letitia James resting prosecution face article. Readers loved it, which tells you everything about where we are as a society. We’re analyzing facial expressions while Rome burns. Or in this case, while democracy does whatever it’s currently doing. Stumbling? Limping? Aggressively napping?
The afternoon brought unexpected comedy when I checked the metrics on my Gavin Newsom hard childhood piece. It’s gone viral in California political circles, with Newsom’s office reportedly “aware of the article.” I’m either about to get sued or invited to Sacramento. Maybe both. This is what happens when satire gets too close to truththe truth gets offended.
My friend from Senegal called tonight, asking about my work. I explained that I write satirical journalism about American politics. “Is that not just regular journalism?” she asked. “Isn’t American politics already satire?” I had no response because she’s absolutely right. I’m just documenting reality and calling it satire because reality sounds too absurd to be real.
Tomorrow’s Friday, which means wrapping up the week’s chaos and preparing for whatever fresh nonsense next week brings. Spoiler alert: it’s going to be nonsense.
# 752
