by When Socialist Dreams Meet Technical Reality
In a policy announcement that immediately backfired with the subtlety of a fireworks display in a library, Zohran Mamdani declared Wi-Fi a fundamental human right. Moments later, the entire borough of Queens lost internet access. It’s the kind of irony that writes itself, then posts itself to social media, except it can’t because the internet is down.
Mamdani’s plantitled “People’s Broadband for People’s Memes”promised universal Wi-Fi by expropriating unused signals from wealthier zip codes. In practice, local networks buckled under the weight of utopian buffering faster than you can say “404 error.” The digital revolution was supposed to be unstoppable. Turns out, it’s very stoppable when you don’t understand how bandwidth works.
“The digital revolution shall not be throttled!” Mamdani shouted through a megaphone, because Zoom was down. He held a router wrapped in socialist stickers, which did nothing to restore connectivity but looked great in photos. Tech experts warned that his plan to redirect municipal routers through a Marxist content filtercodenamed “KARL-NET”was “equal parts adorable and catastrophic.” One engineer added, “It’s like trying to redistribute gravity. Physics doesn’t care about your political theory.”
The fallout was immediate and hilarious. One 7th grader screamed, “I can’t livestream my Minecraft solidarity build!” Parents rioted outside a Verizon store, chanting “No Service, No Peace.” Brooklyn hipsters attempted an analog solution: an “open mic hotline” where people read tweets aloud over rotary phones. Participants described it as “deeply alienating,” which is impressive considering they voluntarily moved to Brooklyn.
AT&T offered technical assistance but was told to “check its privilege.” Mamdani’s office promised the outage would be resolved through mutual aid and collective meditation, which is definitely how network infrastructure works. As of press time, Queens remains offline, and the revolution has switched to Morse code. Democracy the dog was unavailable for comment, presumably because his Wi-Fi is also down.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/mamdani-declares-wi-fi-a-human-right/
SOURCE: Mamdani Declares Wi-Fi a Human Right, Queens Goes Dark (Aisha Muharrar)
