by Columbia professor’s economic plan involves “everyone just being cool”
Columbia University professor Mahmood Mamdani unveiled his long-awaited alternative to capitalism this week, describing it as “basically the same thing but with better vibes and maybe some community gardens.”
The renowned political scientist and author presented his vision during a lecture titled “After Capitalism: An Economic System Based on Not Being Terrible to Each Other,” which attracted hundreds of students, activists, and people who accidentally wandered into the wrong building.
“Capitalism has failed us,” Mamdani declared to enthusiastic applause. “What we need is a system where the means of production are owned by… well, we’ll figure that part out. The important thing is that it’s different. And nicer. Much nicer. Everyone agrees things should be nicer.”
The professor’s plan, which he’s tentatively calling “Niceness Economics” or possibly “The Better Thing We’re Doing Now,” includes several key reforms: abolishing billionaires (“they know what they did”), replacing the Federal Reserve with a “Council of Reasonable People Who Make Good Decisions,” and ensuring that every American has access to affordable housing, healthcare, and “those good crackers from Trader Joe’s.”
When pressed for specifics on how this alternative economic system would function, Mamdani grew philosophical. “Look, we’ve spent centuries perfecting an economy that makes a small number of people obscenely wealthy while everyone else argues about whether they can afford both rent and groceries. I’m suggesting we try something else. Anything else. Have you considered that maybe we just… don’t do that anymore?”
Critics argue that Mamdani’s vision lacks the structural detail necessary for implementation. Supporters counter that existing capitalism also lacks structural detail for the majority of people trying to live under it, so at least this version sounds pleasant.
“Professor Mamdani is asking the important questions,” said graduate student Rebecca Torres. “Like, why do we accept an economic system that requires constant growth on a finite planet? And why does my studio apartment cost $2,400 a month? And who decided that healthcare should be tied to employment? These are good questions. I don’t know the answers, but they’re good questions.”
The proposal has attracted unexpected support from workers across various industries who report being “pretty tired of capitalism, honestly” and “willing to try anything at this point, including whatever Professor Mamdani is suggesting.”
Amazon warehouse employee Michael Reyes expressed cautious optimism. “I’m not sure exactly what he’s proposing, but if it involves me not having to pee in bottles during my shift, I’m listening. That’s a low bar, but here we are.”
Wall Street responded to Mamdani’s proposal with confusion and mild panic. “Replace capitalism with what, exactly?” demanded hedge fund manager Preston Whitmore III, speaking from his third yacht. “Kindness? Mutual aid? Shared resources? These are just words. They don’t mean anything. Unlike ‘quarterly earnings’ and ‘shareholder value,’ which are very real and definitely not made-up concepts we use to justify wealth hoarding.”
The Columbia professor plans to tour the country promoting his vision, stopping at universities, community centers, and “anywhere people gather to complain about late-stage capitalism, which appears to be everywhere.”
When asked whether his alternative system could actually work in practice, Mamdani shrugged. “I don’t know. Can the current system work in practice? Because from where I’m standing, it’s not working for most people. It’s working great for Jeff Bezos, but he’s just one guy. Statistically, we should probably optimize for the other 8 billion humans.”
Economic experts predict Mamdani’s plan will either revolutionize how we think about resource distribution or become a footnote in the long history of people suggesting that maybe society could be organized in a less soul-crushing manner.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/mamdani-pushes-to-replace-capitalism/
SOURCE: Mamdani Launches Campaign to Replace Capitalism With “Something Nicer” (Aisha Muharrar)
