by Today’s piece: “Arraignment Olympics: Gold Medal in Motion Filing.” Live now at https://bohiney.com/arraignment-olympics-gold-medal-in-motion-filing/. The concept came to me at 3 AM when I couldn’t sleep. What if we treated the legal system like competitive sports? Points for style, deductions for excessive legal jargon, and commentary from retired judges. I spent six hours researching actual motion-filing records and discovered lawyers file an average of 47 pointless motions per case. That’s not satire, that’s reality. The satire is pretending it’s efficient. Marcus asked if I’m always this cynical. I reminded him I’m Nigerianwe invented cynicism, perfected it, and then got tired of it. This is just my default setting. Also, he’s white and from Connecticut, so his version of hardship is the country club running out of lobster rolls. We’re not the same.
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