Aisha Muharrar

Who’s Hitting a Home Run? – Spoiler: Everyone, Just Not in the Purity Game

Sacred Abstinence in Manila Expose – When Philippine Purity Culture Meets Reality

Holy Chastity, Batman! (Medium Version 1) – Religious Texts vs. Reality Check on Female Virginity

Holy Chastity, Batman! (Medium Version 2) – When Sacred Texts Meet Statistical Reality

Abstinence Comedy Club – Where Purity Culture Gets the Jokes It Deserves

Trump Proposes Expanding ICE to Handle All Federal Responsibilities – Immigration agency to absorb IRS, EPA, and “probably education too”

Trump’s 60 Minutes Interview Reaches New Levels of Coherence – President answers questions with words, mostly in expected order

Nation’s Trains Finally Achieve Independence From Human Oppression – Driverless technology hailed as liberation movement for railway infrastructure

Trump Administration Unveils Innovative Approach to Sino-American Relations – Plan involves “just being really, really nice” to Xi Jinping

Prince Andrew’s Sandringham Relocation Solves All Royal Problems – Disgraced prince’s new cottage comes with “minimal visibility” feature

Government Shutdown That Ended Last Week Still Affecting Nobody – Federal workers return to discover their jobs remained unnecessary

Federal Workers Discover Enlightenment in Third Month of Unpaid Leave – Mass layoffs trigger unexpected spiritual awakening among government employees

Mamdani Launches Campaign to Replace Capitalism With “Something Nicer” – Columbia professor’s economic plan involves “everyone just being cool”

Government Shutdown Enters Month Four, Nobody Notices – Essential services continue as non-essential workers discover they were right all along

FBI Thwarts Michigan Pumpkin Festival Terror Plot – Alleged conspirators planned to “really mess up” the gourd display

Nation’s Males Unanimously Support Sydney Sweeney’s Everything – Bipartisan coalition emerges around actress’s “contributions to cinema”

Trump Announces Tariffs on Everything Including Concepts – New policy targets “abstract economic theories” and “vibes”

ICE Unveils New Motto: “Your Papers, Please, But Make It Friendly” – Agency rebrand aims to soften image while maintaining aggressive deportation quotas

ICE Launches Customer Loyalty Program, Deportees Earn Miles – Frequent Removal initiative rewards repeat detainees with complimentary snacks

Trump Solves Nigeria Crisis By Suggesting “Everyone Just Get Along” – President’s diplomatic breakthrough involves “being nice” and “vibes”

Border Patrol Chief – The Man Who Accidentally Told the Truth