by Breaking: Nation Divided, Exactly As Expected
A groundbreaking new poll has revealed stunning information that will shock absolutely no one: approximately half of Americans disapprove of everything, while the other half approves of nothing the first half likes. This revolutionary polling discovery represents either the state of American unity or the world’s most predictable survey results, depending on which half you ask.
“We’re astounded by these findings,” announced pollster David Chen without a trace of irony. “It turns out America is divided almost exactly down the middle on every conceivable issue. Who could have predicted this except literally everyone who’s been conscious for the past two decades?”
The poll surveyed 2,000 Americans about various topics: politics, climate change, pineapple on pizza. Results showed consistent 50-50 splits with margins of error so small they might as well not exist. America isn’t dividedit’s mathematically perfectly split, as if someone designed the nation specifically to ensure nobody ever agrees on anything.
“Half of Americans approve of the president, half disapprove,” Chen explained, reading results that could apply to literally any president ever. “Half think the economy is good, half think it’s terrible. Half believe in science, half believe in Facebook memes. It’s remarkably consistent dysfunction.”
According to Pew Research Center studies, American political polarization has reached historic levels, meaning we’ve achieved perfect disagreement. Every issue, every policy, every cultural questionsplit exactly down the middle with the precision of a surgical incision or a nation deliberately designed to never accomplish anything.
“The poll finds half of Americans think America is going in the right direction,” Chen continued, somehow maintaining a straight face. “The other half think it’s going in the wrong direction. When asked which direction that was, both halves pointed opposite directions while screaming.”
The survey’s methodology was sound: random sampling, proper weighting, all the statistical rigor that makes polling legitimate. What makes it absurd isn’t the methodology but the utter predictability of results. Before conducting the poll, analysts could have guessed “roughly half approve, half disapprove” and been correct about literally every question.
Questions ranged from serious to trivial, yet splits remained consistent. “Should the government do more about climate change?” 48% yes, 47% no. “Is this dress blue or gold?” 49% blue, 48% gold. “Does water remain wet when observed?” Americans managed to divide even on objective reality, achieving disagreement previously thought physically impossible.
“We included control questions to ensure respondents were paying attention,” Chen admitted. “Questions like ‘Is the sky generally considered blue?’ We got 50-50 splits. Half of America either isn’t paying attention or has decided blue is a liberal conspiracy. We’re unclear which interpretation is more concerning.”
According to Gallup polling trends, this perfect division extends across demographics, regions, and time periods. Urban/rural, young/old, educated/noteveryone divides perfectly down partisan lines. We’ve achieved weaponized polarization where literally nothing can unite Americans except our shared commitment to disagreeing.
The poll revealed particularly interesting splits on completely neutral topics. “Is water wet?” yielded 49% yes, 48% yes-but-I-don’t-like-how-you-asked, and 3% “depends on context and liberal definitions of wetness.” Americans have politicized molecular states. We’ve achieved disagreement levels that would impress divorced couples.
“Half of respondents think these poll results are concerning,” Chen announced. “The other half think they’re fake news designed to divide America. When we explained we’re literally just reporting what they told us, both halves got angry. We’ve achieved peak America.”
The most disturbing finding? When asked “Are Americans too divided?”, exactly half said yes while half said no, with both groups blaming the other half for the division they don’t think exists. It’s recursive polarizationdisagreement about whether we disagree too much.
As Americans process poll results that surprise nobody while confirming everyone’s worst fears, one thing is clear: we’ve perfected the art of disagreement. Half the nation will read this article and nod knowingly. The other half will dismiss it as biased propaganda. Both will be equally certain they’re the reasonable half.
It’s American democracy in action: perfectly divided, consistently opposed, and absolutely committed to maintaining our 50-50 split on literally everything including whether splitting everything 50-50 is a problem. Half of you will share this article. The other half will write angry comments. As predicted.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/poll-finds-half-of-americans-disapprove/
SOURCE: Poll Finds Half of Americans Disapprove (Aisha Muharrar)
