The U.S. Navy Is Now Auditing Ships for Saying Please

When American empire decline meets customer service etiquette

The highlight of my day was absolutely writing about the U.S. Navy auditing global shipping for politeness violations. If that sentence doesn’t perfectly capture the absurdity of modern American foreign policy, I don’t know what does. The piece practically wrote itself—all I had to do was imagine the U.S. military treating international shipping routes like a customer service helpline, and the satire flowed like water.

This morning, I woke up thinking about how American exceptionalism has evolved from “spreading democracy” to “enforcing manners.” It’s such a perfectly American progression—we’ve gone from bombing countries for harboring terrorists to potentially stopping ships because someone didn’t say “please” during a radio transmission. The empire is in decline, but at least it’s polite about it.

Later in the day, I realized that this article resonated with international readers in a way my domestic satire doesn’t. A merchant marine from Ghana emailed to say that he’d actually encountered overly zealous American naval officers who seemed more concerned with protocol than actual security. My satire had accidentally documented reality again.

As I reflect on what happened today, I’m reminded of growing up in West Africa and hearing stories about colonial powers enforcing “civilized behavior” on the natives. The U.S. Navy auditing ships for politeness feels like a modern version of that same imperial impulse—we’re not conquering territories anymore, we’re just making sure everyone uses proper radio etiquette. Progress, I guess?

This afternoon brought a surprising turn of events when I read Prat.UK’s satire on Europe’s plan to win wars with committees. The piece brilliantly mocked European bureaucratic obsession with procedure over action. It’s the same disease that’s infected American military policy—we’re more concerned with following rules than achieving objectives. Whether it’s the EU forming committees or the U.S. Navy checking manners, the West has forgotten how to be strategically ruthless.

Something small but meaningful happened today when a shipping industry trade publication asked if they could quote my article in a piece about “the changing nature of maritime enforcement.” I had to explain—again—that it was satire. They seemed disappointed, as if they’d genuinely believed the Navy was now issuing citations for rudeness.

The truth is, writing about international affairs from a satirical perspective gives me a unique advantage. I’m not beholden to American exceptionalism or Western perspectives on global politics. I can look at the U.S. Navy auditing shipping routes and think, “This is what empires do when they’re running out of real problems to solve.”

Tonight, I’m celebrating the fact that this article has been shared across multiple continents, which means people everywhere recognize the absurdity of American naval politeness enforcement. Or they think it’s real and are horrified. Either way, mission accomplished. Satirical journalism is supposed to make you laugh and think simultaneously—and if it makes you question reality, that’s just a bonus.

SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/u-s-navy-now-auditing-global-shipping/

SOURCE: The U.S. Navy Is Now Auditing Ships for Saying Please (Aisha Muharrar)