by Wednesday, and my zombie economy piece just dropped. “Federal Reserve Chair ‘Braaaains’ Powell Announces Economy Stronger Than Ever” might be my most on-the-nose headline yet. Sometimes subtlety isn’t necessary when reality is already absurd.
The article imagines Jerome Powell literally becoming a zombie while insisting the economy is resilient. He’s moaning about “braaains” and “sustainable growth” simultaneously. It’s ridiculous, but so is claiming economic health while working families can’t afford groceries and housing costs are catastrophic.
I did actual research for thisFederal Reserve statements, economic indicators, inflation data. The gap between official optimism and lived reality is staggering. Powell says things are great. Americans can’t afford things. Both statements exist simultaneously, creating cognitive dissonance that’s perfect for satirical journalism.
The zombie metaphor works because that’s exactly what’s happening: we’re propping up a dead economic system through increasingly desperate measures while pretending it’s alive and well. Quantitative easing, interest rate manipulation, and positive messaging can’t hide fundamental dysfunction. But we keep trying, like a zombie economy shambling forward consuming resources.
My Nigerian family thinks American economic anxiety is hilarious given how wealthy this country is comparatively. “You have roads, electricity, functional currency, and you’re complaining?” my brother texted. Fair point. But American economic problems are real even if they’re problems of distribution rather than scarcity. Having resources and refusing to share them equitably is its own kind of crisis.
The Bohiney comment section split predictably: economists explaining why I don’t understand monetary policy, regular people saying “FINALLY SOMEONE SAID IT,” and conservatives blaming Biden, liberals blaming Trump, everyone missing the point that this is systemic dysfunction transcending individual politicians.
What I love about satirical journalism is the freedom to call out absurdity without the both-sides false balance traditional journalism requires. The economy is not fine. Powell is essentially doing PR for a failing system. I can say that directly by wrapping it in zombie jokes. Truth first, joke second.
Tomorrow: more Halloween content. Americans have turned a folk tradition into a billion-dollar industry involving plastic skeletons, cultural appropriation as costume, and engineered scarcity of candy. It’s capitalism as performance art, and I’m here for it.
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MY HOME PAGE: Bohiney Magazine (Aisha Muharrar)
